Hi! Welcome! Alright!
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Last night, by which I mean Jordan's party, was pretty good really. Kingsley institute is my kind of place, a totally normal place on the surface but if you're willing to get up to some minor mischief you can find all kinds of bizarre fun. My favourite things about it included the disabled toilet that was full of old gas fires and stools, the organ and the store room that to me and james was like aladin's cave. We took a breakfast menu and a framed picture of the place from the walls (i wanted a lamp as well but thought it was too far, least to mention impossible), and we're planning to return them at another party in a few weeks which is also at the same place. However we in some way want to do something to the back of them before they are returned, my ideas include:
-An intricately and lovingly done nude drawing.
-A poem about dogs
-Several phone numbers with swear words written above them.
-A letter to the management of the place thanking them for the loan.
-Grass
-Covering the entire back of it with small photos of breasts, with incredibly small photos of Kilroys face in a few of the small gaps between them.
-Glueing a smiley face made from aluminium foil and salt dough onto it.
-Writing a small essay about british wildlife in marker pen.
-Smearing a series of fascist slogans in fake blood.
-Wrapping them up in innumerable layers of the news of the world and sunday sport.
We'll then place them on the bar with a post-it note saying 'thanks so much for this'.
I also noticed there was a tape in the house stereo, so i popped that in my pocket too. It will be returned as well, of course. It turned out to be the most mental tape in the world. It includes Dr Dre tracks, classic 1930's 'charlie brown theme' style piano tracks, and a distant recording of a group of young ballerinas having a lesson, presumably in the institute hall. I'm sure further listening will provide even more great results. I'll keep you posted.
But to return to the party as a whole, i had a lot of fun. Tom getting his violent comeupance was a low point, but tom thrashing around with me on the dance floor saying he 'couldnt see' easily made up for this.
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Seven of my favourite album covers (but not necesarily favourite albums):
Johnny Thunders and Sylvain Sylvain-Sad Vacation
Talking Heads-Little Creatures
Neil Young-On the Beach
New York Dolls-New York Dolls (ahh luffs)
The Stooges-Fun House
The Fall-This Nation's Saving Grace
[cover art]
The Call-Modern Romans (I've never even heard this album)
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The next five albums I wanna buy:
Transformer-Lou Reed
The Cello Suites Inspired by Bach-Yo Yo Ma
Extraordinary Machine (the new version)-Fiona Apple
Arular-M.I.A
The Idiot-Iggy Pop
This genuinely hasnt been put up cos its nearly my birthday.
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I bloody love David Attenborough.
David Attenborough's voice has the most soothing, re-assuring effect on my state of mind, like Little Richard's did when i was a little kid. I think what connects them both is the fact they seem to have such a deep set enthusiasm and passion for what they're doing, you get the impression theres nothing they'd rather be doing than talking/singing to you. And that really makes you respect them, you cant help but admire their confidence in the fact that they're doing something really well. If everyone talked like David Attenborough, everyone would listen intently to what each other had to say and the world would be a grander place for it.
He should really go into the music business, and do stuff like the black eyed pea's 'Where is the love?' in spoken word. Perhaps Roger Moore could do the rap sections, with his 'lovely brown voice'. I'm pretty sure it would have a much better effect on the world than it did with the 'peas did it, just cos its him.
Patrick Moore has a similar effect on me, but his voice is more intellectually inspiring.
Maybe i'm totally wrong and i just like David Attenborough's voice cos i like animals and Little Richard's cos i like early rhythm and blues. Perhaps the both of them.
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I wish i didnt like supermarkets so much. I feel like someone David Byrne would write a song about. I'll drop doing most things around the house for a chance to go to a supermarket.
A place like tescos doesnt fit in with any trend of things i like; I dont like places that are big and white and clean and pristine, i dont like multi-purpose corporate chains where i can get anything i want, i dont really even like shopping for food that much. So what is it?
My mum summed up this attitude and also said the most talking heads-ish lyric the other day outside borders:
"I really don't like these places but they are incredibly conveniant"
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We got the instructions for our house that we rented in north scotland today. It says things like 'the water is brown because it runs through peat but it contains no peat.' and other such mental things. However nothing surpassed the head-westerning factor of the instructions of what to do if the water stopped (this is completely real):
"Go over the back garden fence and through the shrubs and over the field, pass the deer wallow you find and go through a small hazel grove until you come across a ruined cottage. The water tank is in the center of this cottage. When you arrive at it, shake the pipe sticking out from the ground in the direction of Ben Mor."
There isn't a single line in 'The Wicker Man' that is this mental and illogical.
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What a bloody long blog this has been. Well i guess i should let you get some rest.
Sweet dreams,
James x
Sunday 26 March 2006
Tuesday 21 March 2006
Tim Westwood and Other Animals
Westwooooooooood!
-The lowest of the low. The most incomprehensibly out of place, unknowing failure of a character we're likely to ever see unless for some reason we suddenly find out Alan Partridge was real. And even then it'd be close. There is nothing good about tim westwood on any serious level at all. If it was all some huge joke, and i sometimes tell myself it must be, by some guy to make us all cringe-like Ali G but good-i think it'd be the best act of comedy ever, because it all seems like a brilliantly done portrayal of a mid-life crisis. But its so serious. Thats what gets me.
Its how a man born only eleven years after my parents can seriously say things like 'oh yeah man, i was up there at da club last night, and i was dancing with so many ladies, i had to wonder if any bruvvas were gonna get in because it was just so jam packed with ladies from wall to wall right at the beginning. So many ladies...' with seemingly no sense of how ludricous this all is.
Some of his catchphrases which radio 1 listeners will be used to:
"My skills are PSYCHE!"
"Drop a bomb on it"
"Its gonna go bang in your face!" (-my favourite)
"Go hard or go home" (-close second)
"Fall back"-what?
"I'm the big dog"
"Nothing but big things"
All very well and shite, but for someone who went to Norwich private Cathedral Grammar School? Perhaps a little out of place...
When you listen to Westwoods radio 1 show, the overriding feeling you get is that its like when the semi-nerdy kid at primary school, who wore Gola tracksuits when everyone else wore Adidas and Reebok ones, by some strange twist of fate got to hang out with the cool kids-who'd already seen a few 15 films and made jokes about sex that were too foreign to you for you to risk not laughing at- y'know that type. And there'd be that atmosphere that was unstoppable that this was a person who could study the people he wanted to be incredibly closely and notice their behaviour, but when he came to do it himself, he may as well have pissed himself for how shameful it all was. But the cooler kids wouldnt show up this obvious fake, because they were appreciating the ultimate compliment that is someone emulating you and didnt want to disrupt it. This is EXACTLY what Tim Westwoods radio shows are like, its almost like dropping a microphone into that playground situation. Tim Westwood will sit with whoever he's got on his show and the conversation will basically be a circle of;
'You're a brilliant rapper'
'yeah thanks'
'Yeah totally man, you're a brilliant rapper, totally agree with you there. Buzzin'
'oh thats cool of you to say man'
'nothing but big things'
Most conversations are interspersed with a black person shouting 'Westwoooooooood!' muffled in the backround occasionally. I dont what we're meant to think when this happens, perhaps that hes broadcasting live from da hood, where he is so famous that people shout his name from the streets up to his bedroom pirate radio station that is also radio 1. Maybe we're supposed to think its tim himself rapping, as we are when he puts his picture on the front of his compilation cds and calls them 'westwood-anthology' and so on. Maybe tim westwood should just fuck off.
I guess i should stop listening to the radio.
---------------------
Here are some anagrams of my name that i like:
A MANS JEM SHOP
AHEM, SPASM JON!
HA! SPASM ME, JON!
JAMES MAN POSH
HAM, PASS ME JON
JAM ASS MEN HOP
SMASH JAM OPEN
Be honest, you checked them to see if they really were anagrams didnt you
----------
My guitar smashed itself in half last night. I cant help but feel partly responsible, as i had propped it on a plastic box at a slanty angle a few seconds before its suicide attempt, and perhaps this act of neglect was what pushed it over the edge, who can say. I feel like i've lost a good friend, we're gonna to try to get it repaired but its not looking good. I'm very pissed, it took me so long to buy that fucker.
------------
Harolds going mental, harolds going mental, harolds going mentalllll
Harold <3 Murder and 'repression of evil' (ie murder)
-------------
jamesx
-The lowest of the low. The most incomprehensibly out of place, unknowing failure of a character we're likely to ever see unless for some reason we suddenly find out Alan Partridge was real. And even then it'd be close. There is nothing good about tim westwood on any serious level at all. If it was all some huge joke, and i sometimes tell myself it must be, by some guy to make us all cringe-like Ali G but good-i think it'd be the best act of comedy ever, because it all seems like a brilliantly done portrayal of a mid-life crisis. But its so serious. Thats what gets me.
Its how a man born only eleven years after my parents can seriously say things like 'oh yeah man, i was up there at da club last night, and i was dancing with so many ladies, i had to wonder if any bruvvas were gonna get in because it was just so jam packed with ladies from wall to wall right at the beginning. So many ladies...' with seemingly no sense of how ludricous this all is.
Some of his catchphrases which radio 1 listeners will be used to:
"My skills are PSYCHE!"
"Drop a bomb on it"
"Its gonna go bang in your face!" (-my favourite)
"Go hard or go home" (-close second)
"Fall back"-what?
"I'm the big dog"
"Nothing but big things"
All very well and shite, but for someone who went to Norwich private Cathedral Grammar School? Perhaps a little out of place...
When you listen to Westwoods radio 1 show, the overriding feeling you get is that its like when the semi-nerdy kid at primary school, who wore Gola tracksuits when everyone else wore Adidas and Reebok ones, by some strange twist of fate got to hang out with the cool kids-who'd already seen a few 15 films and made jokes about sex that were too foreign to you for you to risk not laughing at- y'know that type. And there'd be that atmosphere that was unstoppable that this was a person who could study the people he wanted to be incredibly closely and notice their behaviour, but when he came to do it himself, he may as well have pissed himself for how shameful it all was. But the cooler kids wouldnt show up this obvious fake, because they were appreciating the ultimate compliment that is someone emulating you and didnt want to disrupt it. This is EXACTLY what Tim Westwoods radio shows are like, its almost like dropping a microphone into that playground situation. Tim Westwood will sit with whoever he's got on his show and the conversation will basically be a circle of;
'You're a brilliant rapper'
'yeah thanks'
'Yeah totally man, you're a brilliant rapper, totally agree with you there. Buzzin'
'oh thats cool of you to say man'
'nothing but big things'
Most conversations are interspersed with a black person shouting 'Westwoooooooood!' muffled in the backround occasionally. I dont what we're meant to think when this happens, perhaps that hes broadcasting live from da hood, where he is so famous that people shout his name from the streets up to his bedroom pirate radio station that is also radio 1. Maybe we're supposed to think its tim himself rapping, as we are when he puts his picture on the front of his compilation cds and calls them 'westwood-anthology' and so on. Maybe tim westwood should just fuck off.
I guess i should stop listening to the radio.
---------------------
Here are some anagrams of my name that i like:
A MANS JEM SHOP
AHEM, SPASM JON!
HA! SPASM ME, JON!
JAMES MAN POSH
HAM, PASS ME JON
JAM ASS MEN HOP
SMASH JAM OPEN
Be honest, you checked them to see if they really were anagrams didnt you
----------
My guitar smashed itself in half last night. I cant help but feel partly responsible, as i had propped it on a plastic box at a slanty angle a few seconds before its suicide attempt, and perhaps this act of neglect was what pushed it over the edge, who can say. I feel like i've lost a good friend, we're gonna to try to get it repaired but its not looking good. I'm very pissed, it took me so long to buy that fucker.
------------
Harolds going mental, harolds going mental, harolds going mentalllll
Harold <3 Murder and 'repression of evil' (ie murder)
-------------
jamesx
Saturday 18 March 2006
The live final of Stars in their Eyes Kids...
...was something I missed. I was kinda upset when i realised. The main reason i wanted to watch, apart from my deep and pure love for it, was to watch the entrants that were clearly flukes that could sing one song a bit like the artist fall flat on their faces with attempts at others. Like the kylie minogue girl. Sometimes i'm such a victim of the reality tv mindset, and i watch just to see people make total badgers of themselves. Shameful.
A big wreck of a week this week. 3 days off with le flu, wasnt even fun illness either. It was the properly knackering type that could probably batter you dead easily if it felt like it.
Spent most of my week re-acquainting myself with how blisteringly funny brasseye and the day today are. Especially the one where Chris Morris interviews an elderly female rights activist, and asked what she would do if he tried to sexually assault her ("its not VERY likely to happen, but lets just say it did...")-
'I would beat you off'
'How long would you beat me off for?'
'Well as long as it took'
'And what if another man tried to join in'
'Well i'd have to beat him off as well'
'But what if a whole room of men were going at you, would you beat all them off as well?'
'Well i'd have a jolly good go'
'And what about the dry cleaning afterwards?'
'...oh, moneys the least of it.'
ahh...lol lol
So yeah, a week well spent. It can be summed up with this image:
Lou's mini-party on thursday night was wicked, too. All good people in a good house, led to all round good times. Face painingly good.
---------
Possible names for my children:
Golly Gosh
Eagle St. Leo Sarah-Jane Monarchy Battallion Jr.
Quincy Lego
Sesame the Inevitable Warrior (Sammy for short)
Butter Me-Uppington
Bruce Branches
Hattie Craze
------------
I remember when Deal or No Deal wasnt funny to anyone except me and Jon.
-------------
Here are some pictures of animals:
------------
And thats all for this week
Bye bye
x
A big wreck of a week this week. 3 days off with le flu, wasnt even fun illness either. It was the properly knackering type that could probably batter you dead easily if it felt like it.
Spent most of my week re-acquainting myself with how blisteringly funny brasseye and the day today are. Especially the one where Chris Morris interviews an elderly female rights activist, and asked what she would do if he tried to sexually assault her ("its not VERY likely to happen, but lets just say it did...")-
'I would beat you off'
'How long would you beat me off for?'
'Well as long as it took'
'And what if another man tried to join in'
'Well i'd have to beat him off as well'
'But what if a whole room of men were going at you, would you beat all them off as well?'
'Well i'd have a jolly good go'
'And what about the dry cleaning afterwards?'
'...oh, moneys the least of it.'
ahh...lol lol
So yeah, a week well spent. It can be summed up with this image:
Lou's mini-party on thursday night was wicked, too. All good people in a good house, led to all round good times. Face painingly good.
---------
Possible names for my children:
Golly Gosh
Eagle St. Leo Sarah-Jane Monarchy Battallion Jr.
Quincy Lego
Sesame the Inevitable Warrior (Sammy for short)
Butter Me-Uppington
Bruce Branches
Hattie Craze
------------
I remember when Deal or No Deal wasnt funny to anyone except me and Jon.
-------------
Here are some pictures of animals:
------------
And thats all for this week
Bye bye
x
Tuesday 7 March 2006
Least favourite type of prejudice
There is at least a funny side to having a cold: the mind numbing effect it has on your..on your mind..
My mum just said it wasnt a good idea to drink coffee this late at night. My reply was 'I'll drink whatever I want to do'. Fuck..
I'm already worried about the effect of myspace. There are now so many ways to contact me-text me, phone me, phone me at home, email me, talk to me on msn, write me a letter, parcelbomb me, comment to me on myspace, 'bulletin' me, email me on myspace, write a comment about my pictures on myspace, leave me flowers, and so on.
I can tell its going to get too hard to handle, and soon i'll have to desperately phone some cheap company advertised on channel five to sort my life into one fixed, easy monthly payment.
I've written four people poems but no one has written me one. This makes me weep into my willow. Pillow, i mean.
At tea today my mum said "whenever i feel down, i just thank myself that i'm not a german or an emperor penguin". It worked to cheer me up, but perhaps not in the racist and illogical way she intended.
At another dinner, months before, she discussed the legal status behind burning corpses in our garden.
Song of the day: 'Deceptacon' by Le Tigre. Its brilliant, one of those things that makes me think my generation has a lot of hope after all. I heard a version of in which the vocals were replaced by those of 'get ur freak on' by Missy Elliott, and it was a most magical of experiences, a lot like finding a fiver in an old coat-at first immense confusion followed by an over-riding feeling of happiness.
I need a job. Anyone that wants me to pay me to do something for them-get in touch. Essays, dumping of boy/girlfriends and vandalism are all fine.
Question of the day: What is the most normal thing you've ever seen?(Dont really answer this)
James X
My mum just said it wasnt a good idea to drink coffee this late at night. My reply was 'I'll drink whatever I want to do'. Fuck..
I'm already worried about the effect of myspace. There are now so many ways to contact me-text me, phone me, phone me at home, email me, talk to me on msn, write me a letter, parcelbomb me, comment to me on myspace, 'bulletin' me, email me on myspace, write a comment about my pictures on myspace, leave me flowers, and so on.
I can tell its going to get too hard to handle, and soon i'll have to desperately phone some cheap company advertised on channel five to sort my life into one fixed, easy monthly payment.
I've written four people poems but no one has written me one. This makes me weep into my willow. Pillow, i mean.
At tea today my mum said "whenever i feel down, i just thank myself that i'm not a german or an emperor penguin". It worked to cheer me up, but perhaps not in the racist and illogical way she intended.
At another dinner, months before, she discussed the legal status behind burning corpses in our garden.
Song of the day: 'Deceptacon' by Le Tigre. Its brilliant, one of those things that makes me think my generation has a lot of hope after all. I heard a version of in which the vocals were replaced by those of 'get ur freak on' by Missy Elliott, and it was a most magical of experiences, a lot like finding a fiver in an old coat-at first immense confusion followed by an over-riding feeling of happiness.
I need a job. Anyone that wants me to pay me to do something for them-get in touch. Essays, dumping of boy/girlfriends and vandalism are all fine.
Question of the day: What is the most normal thing you've ever seen?(Dont really answer this)
James X
Saturday 4 March 2006
And so it begins
Christ setting all this up took a long time. It had better be worth it, but i dont see how it can really. I'm only here cos Sarah insisted that it was my destiny, and who am I to argue with destiny or, more importantly, Sarah?
I feel assez rotten today, as i spent a few hours walking in the snow last night with Tom Poole, so i have a 'chill' whatever the fuck that is. He took me on a tour of the sites of Frodsham-Steph Cooper's house, The Spanish Properties shop, The place where you are most likely to die, if such a thing exists in frodsham.
I'm streaming Bjork's album 'Medulla' from http://cdzinc.com/cdzinc.html, which I bought my brother for Christmas once but have never heard myself. I don't know much about the album but i do know that she was deliberately trying to do something totally different with it, and she seems to have succeeded. It sounds like a collection of random recordings of windy sounding oohs and thumps which by a wonderful coincidence fit perfectly together, which it probably is in reality. Throat singing from an icelandic midget...
I'm writing stories, which me and James want to record with sound effects and dancey keyboard parts one saturday. It is proving hard. We want it to be dark words with light music to make an amusing contrast. So far i have a tale of a victorian christmas and something called 'Leo Sayer'. It is not going well.
Plans for Jizzlefizzle are in the pipeline kids, volunteers welcome...
Jaymz xXx
I feel assez rotten today, as i spent a few hours walking in the snow last night with Tom Poole, so i have a 'chill' whatever the fuck that is. He took me on a tour of the sites of Frodsham-Steph Cooper's house, The Spanish Properties shop, The place where you are most likely to die, if such a thing exists in frodsham.
I'm streaming Bjork's album 'Medulla' from http://cdzinc.com/cdzinc.html, which I bought my brother for Christmas once but have never heard myself. I don't know much about the album but i do know that she was deliberately trying to do something totally different with it, and she seems to have succeeded. It sounds like a collection of random recordings of windy sounding oohs and thumps which by a wonderful coincidence fit perfectly together, which it probably is in reality. Throat singing from an icelandic midget...
I'm writing stories, which me and James want to record with sound effects and dancey keyboard parts one saturday. It is proving hard. We want it to be dark words with light music to make an amusing contrast. So far i have a tale of a victorian christmas and something called 'Leo Sayer'. It is not going well.
Plans for Jizzlefizzle are in the pipeline kids, volunteers welcome...
Jaymz xXx
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