Tim Westwood and Other Animals

Westwooooooooood!


-The lowest of the low. The most incomprehensibly out of place, unknowing failure of a character we're likely to ever see unless for some reason we suddenly find out Alan Partridge was real. And even then it'd be close. There is nothing good about tim westwood on any serious level at all. If it was all some huge joke, and i sometimes tell myself it must be, by some guy to make us all cringe-like Ali G but good-i think it'd be the best act of comedy ever, because it all seems like a brilliantly done portrayal of a mid-life crisis. But its so serious. Thats what gets me.


Its how a man born only eleven years after my parents can seriously say things like 'oh yeah man, i was up there at da club last night, and i was dancing with so many ladies, i had to wonder if any bruvvas were gonna get in because it was just so jam packed with ladies from wall to wall right at the beginning. So many ladies...' with seemingly no sense of how ludricous this all is.


Some of his catchphrases which radio 1 listeners will be used to:


"My skills are PSYCHE!"


"Drop a bomb on it"


"Its gonna go bang in your face!" (-my favourite)


"Go hard or go home" (-close second)


"Fall back"-what?


"I'm the big dog"


"Nothing but big things"


All very well and shite, but for someone who went to Norwich private Cathedral Grammar School? Perhaps a little out of place...


When you listen to Westwoods radio 1 show, the overriding feeling you get is that its like when the semi-nerdy kid at primary school, who wore Gola tracksuits when everyone else wore Adidas and Reebok ones, by some strange twist of fate got to hang out with the cool kids-who'd already seen a few 15 films and made jokes about sex that were too foreign to you for you to risk not laughing at- y'know that type. And there'd be that atmosphere that was unstoppable that this was a person who could study the people he wanted to be incredibly closely and notice their behaviour, but when he came to do it himself, he may as well have pissed himself for how shameful it all was. But the cooler kids wouldnt show up this obvious fake, because they were appreciating the ultimate compliment that is someone emulating you and didnt want to disrupt it. This is EXACTLY what Tim Westwoods radio shows are like, its almost like dropping a microphone into that playground situation. Tim Westwood will sit with whoever he's got on his show and the conversation will basically be a circle of;


'You're a brilliant rapper'


'yeah thanks'


'Yeah totally man, you're a brilliant rapper, totally agree with you there. Buzzin'


'oh thats cool of you to say man'


'nothing but big things'


Most conversations are interspersed with a black person shouting 'Westwoooooooood!' muffled in the backround occasionally. I dont what we're meant to think when this happens, perhaps that hes broadcasting live from da hood, where he is so famous that people shout his name from the streets up to his bedroom pirate radio station that is also radio 1. Maybe we're supposed to think its tim himself rapping, as we are when he puts his picture on the front of his compilation cds and calls them 'westwood-anthology' and so on. Maybe tim westwood should just fuck off.


I guess i should stop listening to the radio.


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Here are some anagrams of my name that i like:


A MANS JEM SHOP


AHEM, SPASM JON!


HA! SPASM ME, JON!


JAMES MAN POSH


HAM, PASS ME JON


JAM ASS MEN HOP


SMASH JAM OPEN


Be honest, you checked them to see if they really were anagrams didnt you


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My guitar smashed itself in half last night. I cant help but feel partly responsible, as i had propped it on a plastic box at a slanty angle a few seconds before its suicide attempt, and perhaps this act of neglect was what pushed it over the edge, who can say. I feel like i've lost a good friend, we're gonna to try to get it repaired but its not looking good. I'm very pissed, it took me so long to buy that fucker.


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Harolds going mental, harolds going mental, harolds going mentalllll



Harold <3 Murder and 'repression of evil' (ie murder)


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jamesx